Let me tell you a story. I had a comic all lined up for today. I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (ugh) on TV and was like "JEEZ, Kiera Knightley, why that pinched expression? Aren't you enjoying your time swashbuckling on a boat?" So I decided to make a comic about her face. HILARIOUS, RIGHT?

I even drew it out! But the last panel, which was just going to be a close up of her duck face, made me realize something. She is VERY. HARD. TO. DRAW. Especially in just black and white. I could not get her nose right (which is a very vital part of the duck-face expression). And every time I tried to fix her lips, she ended up looking more and more like a mustachio-d Angelina Jolie.

YEESH.

So I'm sparing you all from this atrocity of art. So here's a list of movies you should watch instead of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. (see them after the cut)





The Fall
It's an EPIC that was filmed in 18 countries over something like 4 years. Basic gist is an injured stuntman befriends a little girl in the hospital he's staying in. He starts telling her stories (which are really just embellished tales from his own career) and the most of the movie consists of the girl imagining what these stories look like. Cue bizarre and beautiful costumes, sets, and characters that make no sense until you realize that when the stuntman says "Indian" (like Native American) the little girl can only picture and Indian from the East, complete with turban (just one example). It's fantastic. I cannot say enough good things about this film. Lee Pace (dude from Pushing Daisies) is great, and the little girl (who was so young, the directors didn't even tell her she was "acting") is completely convincing.


Boy
My dad recommended this one. It's hilarious. Story about a boy (and his younger brother Rocky) in New Zealand whose father comes home from prison. The father is the opposite of all the things his son wishes/thought he was (aka, Michael Jackson, his idol) but loves him anyway. It's filmed really well, the acting is great, and the dad isn't made into a complete bad guy. Soundtrack is awesome as well.

Rabbit Proof Fence
I watched this movie years ago, so I'm a little rusty on the details, but basically this one is a story of two Aboriginal girls in Australia running away from their "white" school where they are taught to integrate into society and pass for whites. The Rabbit proof fence runs all along Australia to keep the rabbit population down, so they try to follow it home. Another case of amazing acting. The girls are all natives and weren't "actors" before this movie. They do a great job.




Rat
Sounds really dumb in writing, but it's surprisingly good! Man gets turned into a rat! Hilarity ensues! I'm told it is loosely based on Kafka's Metamorphosis, which I can see. But it's waaaayy better (I say this after reading Kafka and HATING it). It's an Irish film, and it can be hard to understand their accents at first. But it becomes even stupider/funnier once you do. Plus, that guy who gives the green worms to James in James and the Giant Peach is in it! Who knew he was Irish?..




The Cell
Starring Jennifer Lopez (NOT a good casting choice at all), this is another movie by The Fall's director. This one came out first, and you can tell a lot of the decisions he made in The Fall, he tried out in this movie first. It's a WEIRD WEIRD MOVIE. I don't suggest watching it with parents/the squeamish. Basic plot: a pyscho-creeeeeeepy serial killer is on the loose. He has a strange brain disorder, so when they catch him, he slips into a coma. He still has one girl in the process of being killed, so a therapist who has been trained to enter others' minds goes in to find out her location. Things get weird inside the mind of a sadistic killer. But it's an interesting plot, and the sets really do feel like you're dreaming.


The Machinist
I'm a little late to the party on this one, so if you are like I was, and haven't yet heard of this movie, go watch it. I don't want to tell you anything more than it's creepy, makes you feel crazy along with Christian Bale, and he lost 63 pounds for this role and looks like a walking skeleton. You'll want to feed him a sandwich through your TV. Resist this urge, and instead watch The Dark Knight right after.





Rescue Dawn
Another Christian Bale movie! Can you tell I'm a fan? Directed by Werner Herzog (fun fact that I didn't know til after I watched it.), this one is a movie about a group of prisoners of war in Vietnam. It's based on the story of some of the only men to ever escape from a Vietcong prison camp during the war. It focuses on the time the men spend inside the prison camp (favorite quote: "That's MY smell!") and then their escape. The more compelling story is how they survive/try not to go crazy inside the camp. This movie has taken a lot of flack for not being completely accurate. Watch the movie before you read the Wikipedia page on it; it would be a solid movie even if it wasn't based on a true story.



Oh my gosh, what to even say about this. It's not a movie, it's a PBS series. But it is the most entertaining PBS series I've ever seen. It's a reality TV show where they take 3 families and make them live like pioneers in America for five months. They get nothing but the basics: cloth, some food, axes, some livestock, and either a house or a plot of land on which to build one (all era-appropriate, of course). Of course, it's a reality TV show. And what good is that without people breaking the rules? (Answer: No Good.) Also, see Colonial House (the offshoot of Frontier House) which boasts more people, more houses, and more weird issues. They also made two other Victorian versions (1900 House, and Manor House) but they aren't as good. Manor house is okay, but then you get into all that "etiquette" and "proper" stuff.


I'm getting a little tired of writing this list, but this movie deserves attention too. Anime! It's an anime! About another dream-entering scientist! This time, a device has been made to allow people to see others' dreams/enter them. Someone steals it and is using it to control people's minds. Enter Paprika; the strange woman who fights the bad guys in the dreams. The whole thing is a mind f*ck, so pay attention. No sleeping through parts. It makes little enough sense as is, without you dozing off during the explanatory dialogue. Stay tuned for great sound-track and animation sequences (see: the parade!!).